The last post was about the punkest president America never had.
This post is about the punkest presidents we have had.
None of them are punk in the traditional manner.
Most of them were horrible and complicated men who couldn’t even dream of The Clash’s London’s Calling (or a country without slaves).
But if we could rank them on an imaginary “punkness” scale…who would end up where? And why?
Stay with me — this one is fun.
What am I listening to?
Some Postman - The Presidents of the United States of America
Imagine a Punk President
Let me start off by saying that I am fully aware that no president of the United States has ever been “punk” by a traditional definition of the music genre and sub-culture. I am also aware that despite everything about Beto O’Rourke, I don’t think it is necessary possible for a president to be punk — it’s kind of an oxymoron. So bare with me on this one and have some fun.
Some parameters before everyone starts yelling at me:
A lot of these men had deeply flawed and complicated positions on major issues of their time. I am not here to get in the weeds about policy, I am here to give you some fun facts and play with the idea of what makes a president a possible punk. If someone’s good outweighs their bad severely (and I mean severely), then that’s how I’ve weighed their ranking.
A lot of these men are evil racists or imperialists and for that, they should all live forever in infamy and burn in hell. I will address this explicitly when needed — luckily, most of the worst commanders-in-chief are not near the top of this list, but some of them might shock you.
I did not spend a lot of time reading about every single decision these 45 men had made while in the White House. I mostly read Wikipedia pages and did quick additional searches for extra context. Remember, we’re having fun here. Please don’t come at me for not knowing everything or omitting your favorite fact.
For the purpose of this post, I am defining punk (obviously) very loosely. Punk has always been associated with being anti-racist, anti-consumerism, anti-corporatism, anti-war, anti-imperialism, anti-sexist, etc. There is also a DIY and hardcore (as in intense) ethos in punk that works well with the political aspects. Keep this in mind as you read through this list.
Without further ado, the Punkest Presidents: Ranked.
Note: This list is 45 people long, not 46, because Grover Cleveland served as president two different times.
45. Ronald Reagan - The actual devil that walked among us. I hope to one day see him in hell. Almost every modern societal problem can be traced back to his administration. I don’t even need to get into it.
44. Andrew Jackson - No surprise here, but Jackson was a huge slave guy and ousted John Quincy Adams mostly JUST so he could sign the Indian Removal Act on day one, which led to the ethnic cleansing of the Native American population. Probably America’s Biggest Racist. Fun fact, he’s the first president that someone attempted to assassinate, and with good reason. Kudos to that guy.
43. James Madison - Madison was literally born into a huge slave owning plantation family so, he’s already out. This man got us into the War of 1812 and stole 26,000,000 acres of land from Native Americans.
42. Thomas Jefferson - This piece of shit is arguably one of the least-punk presidents we’ve ever had. He expanded the country with the Louisiana Purchase (no one asked for more America!), began the process of forcibly removing Native Americans from their land as the U.S. expanded, HAD A LOT OF SLAVES (probably the most slaves of any sitting president!), which he raped and reproduced with. If that isn’t enough, he was a big “small government” guy — he sucks and didn’t actually believe in or support democracy.
41. James Monroe - He helped negotiate the Luisiana Purchase and was a member of the American Colonization Society — which was an American organization that wanted to send emancipated slaves and “freeborn” African Americans back to Africa to aid in the colonization of the continent for the United States. So…that was a thing that existed.
40. John Tyler - You don’t begin to see the idea of “states’ rights” until this guy comes along. Born into a plantation family, he was a racist and he sucked. He also believed the president should have absolutely power, leading to be the first president to have Congress override a veto from his office, and became so unpopular that he was later referred to as “His Accidency” by the people of his own party (which is kind of a punk rock nickname, but he was a mistake).
39. James K. Polk - This guy basically weaseled his way into the presidency after running for vice-president instead, owned slaves, and led us into a war with Mexico for the land of the American Southwest. He promised to serve only one term, which is a weird thing to do, and then died of cholera.
38. George Washington - Our founding father who owned slaves — this asshole basically created America and I hate that for us. Aside: he was the reason we stayed neutral in the French Revolution, what a fucking loser.
37. James Buchanan - Another big “states’ rights” (slavery) fan, who personally intervened in Dred Scott v. Sandford to make sure the Supreme Court ruled in favor of slavery. Truly a unique huge piece of shit who couldn’t (and wouldn’t) save us from the impending Civil War and, if anything, he guaranteed it would happen.
36. Harry Truman - In terms of harm, this man caused a lot — he dropped the nuclear bombs on Japan. If that wasn’t bad enough, he also wanted to create a law that striking rail workers got automatically drafted into the Army instead, but he also advocated for a national health care service. This is where the presidents start getting rather complicated in their decision making, so buckle up.
35. George W. Bush - Speaking of harm, “The War on Terror” and No Child Left Behind — enough said.
34. William McKinley - “Big Bill” was our pro-business and pro-imperialism President, who got us into the Spanish-American War to acquire Puerto Rico, Guam, the Philippines, and Cuba and then, he annexed Hawaii! Luckily for all of us, he was assassinated.
33. Millard Fillmore - Fillmore let the Fugitive Slave Act happen and helped found one of America’s first nationalist political parties: The Know Nothings.
32. Franklin Pierce - This man is where we start seeing the term “Young America expansionist” being thrown around as a political identity, he made tensions worse between the north and south, and wanted to annex Cuba from Spain for the United States.
31. Rutherford B. Hayes - This son-of-a-bitch called in the Army against striking railroad workers in 1877 and then he ended Reconstruction as the cherry on top. He sucks ass.
30. Woodrow Wilson - As much as I hate to throw shade at anyone from New Jersey (wasn’t born in NJ though, so does it even count?), it doesn’t erase the fact that he was very pro-segregation and spent a lot of time fighting against women's suffrage. He was probably one of our most racist presidents.
29. William Howard Taft - The civilian governor of the Philippines? Awful. Secretary of War? Worse. Obviously, he was imperialist as fuck, and repeatedly intervened in Latin American affairs in order to remove their governments and prop-up new ones in U.S. favor. Totally bogus.
28. George H.W. Bush - Speaking of intervening in Latin American affairs…it’s Ronald Reagan’s vice-president! The rich boy who grew up to be the Director of the fucking CIA? Who’s also from Texas? Pack it up.
27. Herbert Hoover - Have you ever heard of “Hoovervilles”? Well, the homelessness encampments that were extremely common due to mass poverty of the time were named after this guy! We all know this guy sucks but if you want another reason: he blamed the Great Depression on Mexicans and then just didn’t do much else to fix the economic crisis or help people in poverty.
26. Andrew Johnson - The absolutely worst person to take over for Abraham Lincoln. He kind of did whatever the fuck he wanted and didn’t want slaves to be granted citizenship. Instead of continuing Lincoln’s work, he created his own version of reconstruction that kind of just let Southern States do whatever they wanted after the war. To be honest, a lot of our problems can probably be traced back to this guy (beyond Ronald Reagan, ofc).
25. Zachary Taylor - This guy died 16 months after he was elected, but fun fact: he never served in any elected office before becoming president — which is kind of cool. He kind of had no stance on anything and got nothing done, including doing something about slavery so, he sucks.
24. Bill Clinton - I’m going to say it: playing Saxophone and being a Southern Democrat can only get you so far when you become more and more conservative throughout your time as president, fail to pass any national health reform policies, and signed NAFTA (which effectively took millions of jobs and most industries away from the American people) and the 1994 crime bill. On top of all that, he had an affair with a White House intern, which revealed him as a known sex pest. Bill Clinton doesn’t deserve the decent reputation he still seems to have. Bye Bill.
23. Donald Trump - A lot of people are going to be mad that he is in the middle of this list. But in terms of harm caused, he’s just a fucking buffoon. Yes, he is the human embodiment of all of our nation’s problems, did the tax cuts, and has helped launch a new right-wing extremist movement — but fortunately for him, our country has been led by a lot of shitty people who did shittier things. Sorry not sorry on this one.
22. Richard Nixon - Fuck this guy, but he did get us out of Vietnam and he ended the draft. That’s the only reason he is in the middle of this list. He was addicted to crime and resigned in shame. Policy wise? Reagan before Reagan.
21. John Adams - Like the loser he was, he kept us neutral in the French Revolution and penned the first anti-immigrant laws, but he was one of the only early presidents to never own slaves.
20. Chester A. Arthur - Not going to lie to y’all, I had never heard this man’s name in my life before I wrote this. He was super anti-immigrant and forgettable.
19. Joe Biden - Father (or should I say grandfather?) of the American Rescue Plan, the Inflation Reduction Act, and the Infrastructure Investment and Jobs Act, the man who finally pulled us out of Afghanistan and gave us the first woman to serve as vice-president, first president to visit a picket line — but he’s done a lot of bad throughout his basically life-long political career and he shouldn’t be running for re-election in his 80s. And of course: he needs to stop fucking supporting Israel’s genocide. He’s not the worst president but he will forever be remembered as Genocide Joe and that’s on him, no matter how many good jokes he has and ice cream photos he takes.
18. William Henry Harrison - Harrison died 31 days into office. Arguably, for the best.
17. Dwight D. Eisenhower - A war monger but one who expanded Social Security, created NASA, severely opposed McCarthyism and isolationism, created the Interstate Highway System, and desegregated schools (and used the military to enforce it). Not the worst, not the best. Again, these men are complicated.
16. Gerald Ford - Ford is the only person to serve both as president and vice-president without ever actually being elected first, which is a really cool fact! He originally defeated Ronald Reagan for the Republican Primary in 1976, keeping the downfall of our entire society at bay for a little while longer. But generally, he was boring and he pardoned Nixon. Moving on.
15. Benjamin Harrison - Another man who I didn’t know existed before starting research for this article. A big nepo-baby who was devoted to African American protections and rights in the 1800s (points!), but was forgettable.
14. Grover Cleveland - Our first president to serve two non-consecutive terms and contributed greatly to the whole “Democrat/Republican realignment thing” that happened. Alas, he was extremely anti-worker, but also extremely opposed to annexation of Hawaii, and went as far as launching an investigation into the 1893 coup against their queen, and called for her to be restored. Shout out to another Jersey boy.
13. Warren G. Harding - It is so rare to come across a relatively “normal” United States president. He didn’t do much for civil rights and immigration, but he at least did not appear to be a giant racist and in terms of imperialism, he helped fix a lot of our relationships with Latin America and did not want to continue intervening. Major bonus: he commuted Eugene Debs’ prison sentence and released him and other political prisoners.
12. James A. Garfield - He opposed the Confederacy, was a Union general, and fucking proved the Pythagorean theorem (not enough smart presidents, IMO) Also, he was a civil rights advocate in the 1800s, which is probably why he was assassinated (and then died via infection). '
11. Martin Van Buren - This man is kind of forgettable but he was actively anti-slavery after the most racist president we’ve ever had (Andrew Jackson) and refused to support the annexation of Texas. These stances are probably why him and some others on this list are unfortunately one term presidents (fucking America, man).
10. Calvin Coolidge - Even though he was a “conservative” in the 1920s, he was very supportive of racial equality, women’s right to vote, and repealing Prohibition when all of those things were not popular. He’s regarded to as “Silent Cal” and any U.S. President who understands that no one wants to hear them talk, is alright in my book.
9. John Quincy Adams - Are you surprised to see a former Secretary of State hit the top ten? Me too! But this man advocated hard for federally funded infrastructure, a national university system, and having relations with Latin America in the early 1800s! At the time, he was the only president to serve in the House previously, in which he helped lead the charge against slavery, along with advocating for the rights of women and Native Americans (again, in the 1800s!). He saw the annexation of Texas from Mexico as an extension of slavery and did not support it. Like his father John Adams, he was one of the only early presidents to not own slaves. To be honest, this man deserved multiple terms — not just one.
8. Lyndon B. Johnson - A democrat from Texas who managed to serve as president? Already punk as hell and virtually unheard of (not you, Beto!). He finished everything John F. Kennedy didn’t have the chance to — his “Great Society” aimed at expanding civil rights, public broadcasting, access to health care, aid to education and the arts, urban and rural development, and public services. But with all that being said, he sent the first troops to Vietnam, causing unspeakable harm and horror to Americans for generations to come. Remember when I said this is going to get complicated? Yeah, I didn’t lie.
7. Theodore Roosevelt - The sickly asthma boy turned cowboy turned president. In case you didn’t know, he was the youngest person ever to become President at the age of 42 (not be elected, that’s John F. Kennedy — Teddy became president after William McKinley was assassinated), he formed the Rough Riders, leader of the “Progressive” moment, created the National Park System, regulated the rail roads, won a Nobel Peace Prize, ran on a platform of “victory, peace, and prosperity”, prioritized labor over corporate interests…we could go on and on — but he was a war-obsessed imperialist and isolationist who didn’t have the best thoughts on race, unfortunately. I would be amiss not to mention the time he got shot while giving a speech and didn’t skip a beat. Complicated legend.
6. Franklin D. Roosevelt - During his first 100 days as president, Roosevelt spearheaded unprecedented federal legislation and directed the federal government during most of the Great Depression, implementing the “New Deal” in response to the most significant economic crisis in American history. He served 4 terms because everyone adored him and thrived under him. He is the man who created the National Labor Relations Board and Social Security, but don’t forget: he got us into World War II and signed off on the Japanese interment camps. Again, these people are deeply flawed (except if you’re the number one person on this list, apparently).
5. John F. Kennedy - A heavy hitter who got his head blown to bits — whose “New Frontier” included: federal assistance for education, medical insurance for the elderly, housing legislation, federal aid to struggling areas, and an increase in the federal minimum wage. He supported civil rights, helped establish the Peace Corps, but was absolutely garbage on foreign policy, laid the groundwork for us getting into Vietnam, and wanted to murder Fidel Castro really badly. Regardless of all of that, the CIA definitely had him killed. Rest in Peace, Jack.
4. Jimmy Carter - First things first, Jimmy Fucking Carter is the longest lived President in U.S. history and that’s because he knows he must pay the price for committing the ultimate sin: being the President of the United States. An engineer, a peanut farmer, a big Wife Guy, a former activist — my man pardoned all draft-dodgers on Day 2. He created a national energy policy that included conservation, price control, and new technology, created the Department of Energy and Education and would have continued doing charity work if his body would allow for it at 99. His foreign policy was dog-shit and he wasn’t perfect. You win some, you lose some. He’s my fucking boy forever and he deserved a second term.
3. Barack Obama - Say what you want about him but Obama was our first Black president who is from Hawaii, who smoked cigarettes and did cocaine, and once lied (?) about being bisexual at some point in his life. A community organizer and one of the youngest presidents we’ve ever had — he did a lot of good (thanks for the ACA and gay marriage) but in hindsight, his administration feels like it fell really short.
2. Abraham Lincoln - My man was born into poverty, became a state legislator, a Congressman, quit politics, then re-entered politics because he was pissed off about slavery, led the country through the Civil War, abolished slavery, told SCOTUS to go fuck themselves, and expanded the role fo the Federal Government. Our tallest president who was also pen pals with Karl Marx! Go big wife guy who was assassinated in a theater. You’re punk as hell.
1. Ulysses S. Grant - Hiram Ulysses Grant does not get the credit he deserves — not just for being our punkest president, but for being one of the best ones we had. He was based for his time and honestly, also ours. He led the Union Army to victory in the Civil War, a supporter of civil rights, created the Justice Department, wanted to protect African Americans during reconstruction, stabilized the post-war economy, was the first to prosecute the Klu Klux Klan, appointed African Americans and Jewish people to serve in his administration, and created the Civil Service Commission — all between 1869 to 1877. I truly don’t know if there is a modern day equivalent. He also looks like he could be in Hot Water Music, which is punk as hell. His reputation suffers to this day because of Lost Cause-ism bullshit, but at least he is number one in my silly little list.
So there you have it. A list of truly horrible men — but I hope you indulged me enough to have a little fun with it. I know I did.
P.S.: I am sorry this is a few days late. I started this post with the intention of it being quick and fun…then I realized I had to research 45 individual people, write about them all, and rank them. So it goes!
Amazingly fun and informative read *and* you ended on a Vonnegut reference? Perfect.